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[November 14th
2009] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
So it's been forever since I've updated this thing. It's kinda sad looking back; how happy Ian and I used to be. Things seem to be getting back to the way they were, which is great. There will always be a fear of him lying to me, but I guess with how he's been hurt in the past he fears the same.
There has been mention of proposal, but I doubt that will ever really happen. I hope it does though. You can't tell a girl that you want to marry her and be her hubby, if you don't plan on doing something about it. He's got like 900$ in the bank - I wish he'd do something with that... for me... lol :)
Anyways, why write about the bad stuff? I don't want to look back on that. So I'll just say it's been a crazy ride but I found that we can't drink together - well we can we just can't talk about ANYTHING that bothers us and we have to be like really well behaved if we do. Also, usually if anything is bothering me I really can't mention it to him in ANY kind of environment, I hate making him feel down and I hate feeling down. Maybe someday I'll be able to just say "STFU BRITT" and move on with my emotions. I hate being a girl sometimes, emotions just take over, especially with my stomach problems. Ugh!
I'm talking to my mom again! Things have been going decent! I text Scott a lot and my brothers. Nifty, eh? Also, trying to keep in touch with dad. I go through that phase of just not wanting to call or answer his calls. I don't know what that's about. I should probably go talk to a shrink sometime, just so I can deal with some issues. It can't hurt to see what my problems are and try to work on them. I want to be healthy, feel healthy, and treat others the way that will help US be healthy. Word?
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[August 30th
2009] |
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mood |
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 awake |
] |
Car insurance
Inspection
Headlight
I need to get those three things done tomorrow!
I'm up at 9:30 for some reason.
I'm not even remotely tired.I think I'm going to wait for Mr. and Mrs. Smith to go to the store, to take a shower. It sucks that things are going a lot better since he's not working at McDonald's anymore; he needs to have SOME job though. If this kind of stuff ever starts to happen at his new work, then I know this isn't going to work out. If he starts to lie again or keep important shit from me then I know the whole thing at McDonald's was mainly due to him, in the first place. I want to be able to trust him and I want to be able to have a normal relationship. I don't want it to seem like I'm checking up on him - those are the wrong words to use. I would never go up to someone he works with and tell them to let me know if Ian does this or that. I'd also never call up his work to see if he's "being good" or anything like that. The only thing I ever did was if I was harassed by these inbreed idiots or someone said anything (since he's lied to me about some important things before) I'd ask him, " So and so said this, is their any truth behind it?" Now, he could of been lying when he answered me, but I always took his word for it. There were times were he admitted truth to it but it was never anything big, I just wanted to know wtf was going on and why someone would approach me about something like they would. I'm glad all of that shit if over with; I've been ready to grow with Ian for the longest time. I hope this relationship really starts to take off. I'm excited for him to get a new job. It sucks though. I would of rather him go on at MWV right away.
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[August 28th
2009] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
Friday Friday Friday!
WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE FLAILING ARM TUBE MEN!
WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE FLAILING ARM TUBE MEN!
WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE FLAILING ARM TUBE MEN!!!
!!!
Good mood; usually when I am like this something terrible happens. Let's keep our fingers crossed ♥
Things are d's.
d's nuts!!!
Nah, but really! ♥ iNoBeezers!
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[August 27th
2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
poop!
I LOVE IAN SMITH ♥
Tomorrow is Friday; for those who are a little slow.
I'm pretty stoked about that. Taking care of a baby every day is pretty tiring and makes you appreciate your sleep and time off a lot more.
Last night was a fucking trip - what else can happen? Seriously, I've never met someone such a loud ass huge fucking mouth (who doesn't even know how to speak proper English). Try to question a loud ass, skank ass, immature, super bitch and you get a bar notice against you at a store you go every week AND you have to chill with the cops for over an hour. Seriously. How fucking stupid and crazy can a bitch get. Fucking cunt ^^} You got a loud ass mouth but you don't have a fucking back bone to step up to me and take care of business. I hate liars and I hate viscous teenage douche bags!
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[August 25th
2009] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
The things I said last night have been deleted; only for the fact that I wrote them because I was more horrified that I got upset over something so stupid and he almost lost his job. I felt so responsible for it all; then again it doesn't matter what he says he'll do or not do; if he doesn't follow it I get pissed off. It was both of our faults and the arguement aspect of it wasn't bad at all, it was just the fact that he left work.
I'm very glad that Stacie ended up letting him explain himself. I don't know what I'd do if he would of lost his job. I seriously don't think I could handle him getting another shitty job with more new, shitty ass people. Everyone is so immature these days; sometimes I just want to live in another life time or something or on another planet.
I am 100% happy with the progress we've made when we do have issues. There really isn't any more name calling or putting down. The fact of him not keeping his promises or words and me calling him a liar is one thing; but there is no more harsh things said (that seriously do not need to be said - no more spitting either). I know I've been smoking a lot more, which I hate but I'd rather do that then say mean things that I'll never be able to take back. I hope he feels the same about the evil things we've said to each other.
I've been talking to Elissa a lot more :) I've seriously missed how much we used to talk. I've got to talk to Mark and Angie about her coming up here instead of Ian and I coming down there. I'd still like to take the trip but if Ian and I end up helping her come up here then we'll have to wait until sometime after the beginning of October to go see her.
I really enjoy hanging out with Mark and Angie when Ian is at work. It helps take my mind off a lot of bull shit and it gives me someone to talk to.
Man, two days ago before Ian went to work; I remember how happy I was. We were being so goofy and adorable. Well, at least to me it was pretty damn adorable! I love rolling around on the floor and falling over laughing with him. That's how I want it to be all the time. I don't see why it's not, when we're both totally hilarious people. I can't wait til I can save up a good amount of money; I'd really like to get another camera soon (probably the exact same one-it was pretty nice)! Yeah, Ian and I could make some pretty funny shit if we actually sat down and took the time.
I want that silliness all the time, I really do. I wonder if he does or if he is just being that way to seem cute sometimes. I know I really enjoy those times. They are probably the most cherished moments we share (to me).
I'm so pissed about this situation at McDonald's tonight that my eye is starting to twitch again. It's really bad right now; it's like half closing it's twitching so strong.
It took everything I had not to walk down there and I'm glad I didn't because Ian said those people weren't even there anymore. I did walk out to my car to test my headlights and to grab my old journal/book from my back seat - someone (excuse me) keyed my fucking car!!! I don't know who it was or when they fucking did it, but I'm super pissed. You have no idea how upset I am right now. I feel like Ian. I feel like screaming and I can't stop pacing. I hate smoking so much but it's really all I can do right now. I would go talk to Angie or Mark but she's asleep and he's behind me in his office typing some paper and looking at goofy video's online or something.
I'm not sure how to handle a lot of this anymore. All I know is I'm sick of Ian having to call me and tell me if something might be said to me and why; just because immature, stupid ass hoe bags have to try to contact me anyway possible and try to get me pissed. Sometimes I really wish I was on some type of medication, so I could just chill the hell out and say forget about it. When I get this mad I'm so depressed but so pumped at the same time and I feel like hurting someone but then I feel horrible for even thinking like that. Then my stomach starts to hurt, just because anything dealing with extreme emotions causes me to have an upset stomach. I feel weak but strong as a fucking oxen when shit like this happens. I don't know what to do sometimes. Ian has never seen me go crazy; not like I've HALF seen him go nuts. I have a feeling he'd be 100% shocked if he saw what I could really do or how I can really act when I ACTUALLY get furious.
It's like, take how loud he can yell and how pissed he gets at video games and X's that by the WORLDS population and that's how PISSED I can get an ONE individual. NOW - there is more than ONE person involved in this shit at his work, so just . . . can you begin to fathom how pissed I can really get. Don't forget I am my mother's daughter and my father's child as well. A delicious recipe for DOOM ! No really, saying doom makes it sound like I'm kidding around but I'm not. Disaster is one thing, doom is another. Follow me here?
Anyways I need to try to keep calm and not even think about this...if I can. I mean, come on I have a shitty car as it is and now someone goes and keys up the side. EVEN SHITTIER. It couldn't be like a couple words or a sentence of shit talking. It couldn't be one straight line; it's like a mentally challenged cromagnum cranium or big bird or tire ironed brain drove by and thought they were being silly and funny. Like a kid who can't color in the lines. I wouldn't of been as pissed if it were something simple (like them) but gosh - really. Like, what is my dad going to say?! He wants to plan on coming up here the second week of October . . .you know he'll stop in Ian's work and say something to his management about tying down dirty ass people and making them do their job or he'll call someone above them. I'm done talking about this, I need 11 more ciggy bums to cool me off.
I love Ian Smith.
♥ Brittany Wolfe-Smith.
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[July 30th
2009] |
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mood |
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calm |
] |
Excited about a big step; but also scared.
I just have the feeling that this isn't going to be good for Ian and I. Maybe my problem is just that I'm thinking too negative? I mean, I'm going to miss my father and I was doing well trying to get things together just for myself. I've needed to learn how to be independent for the longest time now. Just as I was doing it this offer appears on the table. I love Ian and I think being close would really help with the trust issue; I just think the time together will start to show each other MORE of who we really are. With the things I've gone through not being around him like I will be, what if I start to see more of it and it's constant. I don't want this to drive us apart. I know I'll do things he can't stand, I'm a weird person but so is he. Maybe I shouldn't be scared; maybe I'm just dreading it because it's a big move to live with someone that you REALLY love. I've lived with an ex before and it was like, I was just there to get away from my parents and my whole situation at that time. Now, it's like I'm doing it because I want to grow with someone. It's really scary to me, it may sound stupid it but it's probably only because I'm a sincere person and I truly feel that I'm in love. I just hope Ian is in the same boat and wants to get something positive out of this.
I want things to change only in the way that we make decisions that respect each other now; now that we're seriously become more of a couple. I don't make any choices that I don't think about how it would effect Ian, I just want the same. Everything else can stay the same. The silliness, the seriousness, the manic moods, the laughing, video games, late nights, whatever. I want him to be him just to use his mind as he's a part of someone's life now. I don't want to change who he is and I don't want to change who I am. I want to really do this to see who we truly are and if we can make it, being our real selves. Make sense? Probably not. I'm crazy.
Things are good; things are bad. Maybe I just have to keep thinking positive if it's what I really want out of life.
I can never follow my own advice.
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[July 8th
2009] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
] |
JOB!
It seems when I really commit myself to try to do better; in the name of the Lord, things start to look up a tiny bit.
Everyday will not be easy
but I'm willing to give it everything I can♥
iNo ♥ Beezerz
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[July 3rd
2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
There is no where else I'd rather be
than with Ian.
This whole arrangement sucks so bad.
I'm so in love
I wish I could keep myself composed like he does. All I do is pace around the house; breathing heavy. Praying that the Lord will help me be strong.
I can hardly keep up with my mind now;
I feel like I'm going mad.
I start looking at pictures of us and I cry. I fall to the ground balling. Talking about: I will always love you.
You're so amazing. You're so precious and perfect. Everything about you - I want no one else. I want you forever and ever. All I can really pray about lately is that he's safe and to help me keep my head on straight. Just for strength. I feel bad asking for anything else than what I really need. If I could have strength, I at least know my faith would be strong and my will to try to relax for my health would be stronger.
That's all I need. Strength to keep trying and trying no matter what to get a job.
I'm so in love. I feel like a freakin' kid. His smell - I can't get it out of my mind. I want it around me so bad. I want to lay into it. I want his love so bad. His touch. I want to hear his laugh. I want SO much with him and it's driving me mad.
I've never felt like this with someone. It's going on five months; and I couldn't be more thankful to have him in my life.
We're going to last ♥
I want him always. I hope he realized just how much I've always felt for him; no matter the fights. Things are better -
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| Black Stacie |
[June 2nd
2009] |
Today was really helpful.
I'm sorry but I'm going back to who I really am;
back to the old me. Just now - I'll be more mature about things.
I can't NOT act like who I am.
This is who I am:
I look young
I can't dress in real girly clothes because they just don't look right on me.
High heels will never be me.
Maybe for those few special nights out on the town in a little black dress with my fiance' or husband or whatever.
It's really not me.
I am a hard worker.
I want to save my money and become more responsible.
I wear black; all the time. There HAS to be something black on me; even if it's shoes or polish for my nails.
I love beanies, even in the summer. I love being a hard ass. I love it. I grew up a tomboy, I still am. I hope iNo understands that I'm no girly girl. If I feel like getting muddy, I'll mud it up. If I feel like NOT doing something, I'll lay on my awesome ass (that no woman can compare to) and I'll laugh it up watching some nerdy fucking cartoons.
I curse.
Get over it.
I can talk to people and socialize withOUT being a bitch; but any other time - I'll say what I what when I want. NOW that doesn't mean I'm going to fight with iNo just because I want to. I'm just saying this is how I am but I'm going to try to be more mature about WHAT I say WHEN I say it.
I love God and I laugh now at what demons or spirits were trying to do to me. I want a clean house; I'm going to have one. It's hilarious that you'll be stuck in that same situation for all of eternity, being a piece of shit trying to pick on people who are trying to get to God. Piece of shit, plain and simple.
I am satisfied.
With me
I just need someone to be satisfied with me as well. Someone to understand me and my mind.
I am crazy these days. Stacie will not help that but she will help me to learn when to STFU and when to act like an adult and how to.
I love iNo. Things have been horrible, bad, great, fantastic, good, okay, and magnificent. It's been a roller coaster, but this is the last chance for honesty and realness - if I don't see it (while I'm giving my 100%) then it's over. If I've been being a bitch and he messes up then there will be more chances; because I can not push one away for mistakes if I am also to blame. Porn, flirting, touching, all those promises STILL will face consequences IF promises are broken BUT if I flip about something small and he's trying to explain something to me - I can not say I will leave or threaten to walk out - I can not be guilty for something and judge him to the fullest and not myself.
DO WORK!
And stupid bitches who touch my man AT WORK; I'll kick your mother fucking face in. Plain and simple!! YOU DO NOT TOUCH OTHER PPLS MEN - stupid bitches. X_X AH!
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[May 20th
2009] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
I hope that Lizzard had a great birthday yesterday!
Wish I could of gotten her something awesome♥
Really bored today; too excited about this weekend. I don't think I'm going to be content until then. Everything is not going to be as cool as where I get to be this weekend so everything just sucks. Only one more day though - so at least I can't complain too much.
Great! Give me a change to blast my caves; KAAABOOM!!!
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[May 18th
2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
Man, I haven't been on this thing in a long while.
Things between iNo and I are still amazing. We've had some rough patches but everyone does, you know?
I still love him more and more each day and I'm very happy that we got through all of the petty shit we were going through.
Sometimes you just have to get over it; if you really want things to work out. I truly love iNo - I can honestly tell when I look at him. I see him, in my future. I see us getting married some day. Sometimes when I kiss him and pull away, I just stare at him and smile because I can just feel something that I've never felt. I don't know if any of this would scare him if he read it but oh well. I'm just saying - I hope things stay the way they are, it's like Heaven on Earth for me. Anytime I am with him is a great time.
I really enjoyed going to the Humpback Bridge with him. The way I felt that day was indescribable. It was like the first day all over again. I couldn't be happier and I would never wish to be anywhere else. He's so beautiful and he's really the greatest boyfriend I've ever had. Through all the silly shit we've been through - he's the best thing to ever happen to me and I only pray that we last ♥
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[April 30th
2009] |
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<3
i is still in love with iNo
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[April 16th
2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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bouncy |
] |
You know, it's usually hard for one to admit they are wrong or that their significant other is right. iNo is right though. I've often thought that our problems are due to me finally finding Christ. Not in the bad way, but in the sense that I just found him. I want to have a stronger faith than I have now, but I am new to this all over again. You have had more time to read and work harder at your problems than I have and you also are more mature than me due to age :) I love you baby and I only want to grow with you thru Christ and our love for everyone. I have the same mindset as you, it's just harder for me because I'm new at ALL of this that's happening with me. You're right and I'm not afraid to admit it. You're the greatest and the smartest :)...and craziest and goofiest and most awesomest person EVER
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[April 11th
2009] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
you know 100% that Ian would never intentionally hurt you.
You know he loves you.
Look at his family.
remember how you felt around ALL of them.
even tho hectic and annoying
you could still relate and have fun with more than 80% of them.
even tho annoying.
They showed you more love than ur mother and step father your whole life.
think about the stories Mr. Smith told.
All the laughs
smiles
and genuine people around you.
they are good people.
it's all real love.
You want this so much.
No matter how you over react or think something is horrible
just because your past.
IAN SMITH LOVES YOU:D
You ARE happy;
don't tare this apart
just because you THINK it will end that way.
forget your past.
this is now and this is real♥
You're in love.
You really are.
The way you watched Mr. Smith tell his stories tonight; sitting close to him
You felt as if you were sitting by your own father.
That's how right it felt.
You realized it
had to leave to take a breath
you know you belong here; now
Stop thinking the worst of EVERYTHING.
you're just scared because you know this is real ;]
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[April 7th
2009] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
Man, since my car stereo and interior light fuse is busted(getting a new one today)
I have no music, but it's hilarious.
I keep talking to myself and making up these retarded songs or making horrible noises.
I have long conversations with God and I don't know, it's just great. I love being goofy. I always laugh out loud and people driving by are like 0_0 ftw!?
It's awesome. I keep laughing because I feel like Ian, when he's in the shower; goof ball♥
Ah! I think I'm like, literally turning into his other half. It's crazy!
Or maybe I have always been like this, but he's just bringing out my crazy side :p I'm really glad I can be goofy around him/be myself. It's such a relief and it feels so good that I can trust someone like this. I keep thinking about getting a place with him ♥ Oooo ^_^; I am in a great mood today! More later; after I talk to KFC at 2:00pm
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