Brittalion Stallion

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 17:18:31 GMT

So it's been forever since I've updated this thing. It's kinda sad looking back; how happy Ian and I used to be. Things seem to be getting back to the way they were, which is great. There will always be a fear of him lying to me, but I guess with how he's been hurt in the past he fears the same.

There has been mention of proposal, but I doubt that will ever really happen. I hope it does though. You can't tell a girl that you want to marry her and be her hubby, if you don't plan on doing something about it. He's got like 900$ in the bank - I wish he'd do something with that... for me... lol :)

Anyways, why write about the bad stuff? I don't want to look back on that. So I'll just say it's been a crazy ride but I found that we can't drink together - well we can we just can't talk about ANYTHING that bothers us and we have to be like really well behaved if we do. Also, usually if anything is bothering me I really can't mention it to him in ANY kind of environment, I hate making him feel down and I hate feeling down. Maybe someday I'll be able to just say "STFU BRITT" and move on with my emotions. I hate being a girl sometimes, emotions just take over, especially with my stomach problems. Ugh!

I'm talking to my mom again! Things have been going decent! I text Scott a lot and my brothers. Nifty, eh? Also, trying to keep in touch with dad. I go through that phase of just not wanting to call or answer his calls. I don't know what that's about. I should probably go talk to a shrink sometime, just so I can deal with some issues. It can't hurt to see what my problems are and try to work on them. I want to be healthy, feel healthy, and treat others the way that will help US be healthy. Word?

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 14:01:47 GMT

Car insurance

Inspection

Headlight

I need to get those three things done tomorrow!

I'm up at 9:30 for some reason.
I'm not even remotely tired.I think I'm going to wait for Mr. and Mrs. Smith to go to the store, to take a shower. It sucks that things are going a lot better since he's not working at McDonald's anymore; he needs to have SOME job though. If this kind of stuff ever starts to happen at his new work, then I know this isn't going to work out. If he starts to lie again or keep important shit from me then I know the whole thing at McDonald's was mainly due to him, in the first place. I want to be able to trust him and I want to be able to have a normal relationship. I don't want it to seem like I'm checking up on him - those are the wrong words to use. I would never go up to someone he works with and tell them to let me know if Ian does this or that. I'd also never call up his work to see if he's "being good" or anything like that. The only thing I ever did was if I was harassed by these inbreed idiots or someone said anything (since he's lied to me about some important things before) I'd ask him, " So and so said this, is their any truth behind it?" Now, he could of been lying when he answered me, but I always took his word for it. There were times were he admitted truth to it but it was never anything big, I just wanted to know wtf was going on and why someone would approach me about something like they would. I'm glad all of that shit if over with; I've been ready to grow with Ian for the longest time. I hope this relationship really starts to take off. I'm excited for him to get a new job. It sucks though. I would of rather him go on at MWV right away.

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 20:01:09 GMT

Friday Friday Friday!

WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE FLAILING ARM TUBE MEN!
WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE FLAILING ARM TUBE MEN!
WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE FLAILING ARM TUBE MEN!!!
!!!

Good mood; usually when I am like this something terrible happens. Let's keep our fingers crossed ♥
Things are d's.
d's nuts!!!
Nah, but really! ♥ iNoBeezers!

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 20:42:30 GMT

poop!

I LOVE IAN SMITH ♥

Tomorrow is Friday; for those who are a little slow.
I'm pretty stoked about that. Taking care of a baby every day is pretty tiring and makes you appreciate your sleep and time off a lot more.

Last night was a fucking trip - what else can happen? Seriously, I've never met someone such a loud ass huge fucking mouth (who doesn't even know how to speak proper English). Try to question a loud ass, skank ass, immature, super bitch and you get a bar notice against you at a store you go every week AND you have to chill with the cops for over an hour. Seriously. How fucking stupid and crazy can a bitch get. Fucking cunt ^^} You got a loud ass mouth but you don't have a fucking back bone to step up to me and take care of business. I hate liars and I hate viscous teenage douche bags!

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 03:47:12 GMT

The things I said last night have been deleted; only for the fact that I wrote them because I was more horrified that I got upset over something so stupid and he almost lost his job. I felt so responsible for it all; then again it doesn't matter what he says he'll do or not do; if he doesn't follow it I get pissed off. It was both of our faults and the arguement aspect of it wasn't bad at all, it was just the fact that he left work.

I'm very glad that Stacie ended up letting him explain himself. I don't know what I'd do if he would of lost his job. I seriously don't think I could handle him getting another shitty job with more new, shitty ass people. Everyone is so immature these days; sometimes I just want to live in another life time or something or on another planet.

I am 100% happy with the progress we've made when we do have issues. There really isn't any more name calling or putting down. The fact of him not keeping his promises or words and me calling him a liar is one thing; but there is no more harsh things said (that seriously do not need to be said - no more spitting either). I know I've been smoking a lot more, which I hate but I'd rather do that then say mean things that I'll never be able to take back. I hope he feels the same about the evil things we've said to each other.

I've been talking to Elissa a lot more :) I've seriously missed how much we used to talk. I've got to talk to Mark and Angie about her coming up here instead of Ian and I coming down there. I'd still like to take the trip but if Ian and I end up helping her come up here then we'll have to wait until sometime after the beginning of October to go see her.

I really enjoy hanging out with Mark and Angie when Ian is at work. It helps take my mind off a lot of bull shit and it gives me someone to talk to.
Man, two days ago before Ian went to work; I remember how happy I was. We were being so goofy and adorable. Well, at least to me it was pretty damn adorable! I love rolling around on the floor and falling over laughing with him. That's how I want it to be all the time. I don't see why it's not, when we're both totally hilarious people. I can't wait til I can save up a good amount of money; I'd really like to get another camera soon (probably the exact same one-it was pretty nice)! Yeah, Ian and I could make some pretty funny shit if we actually sat down and took the time.

I want that silliness all the time, I really do. I wonder if he does or if he is just being that way to seem cute sometimes. I know I really enjoy those times. They are probably the most cherished moments we share (to me).

I'm so pissed about this situation at McDonald's tonight that my eye is starting to twitch again. It's really bad right now; it's like half closing it's twitching so strong.

It took everything I had not to walk down there and I'm glad I didn't because Ian said those people weren't even there anymore. I did walk out to my car to test my headlights and to grab my old journal/book from my back seat - someone (excuse me) keyed my fucking car!!! I don't know who it was or when they fucking did it, but I'm super pissed. You have no idea how upset I am right now. I feel like Ian. I feel like screaming and I can't stop pacing. I hate smoking so much but it's really all I can do right now. I would go talk to Angie or Mark but she's asleep and he's behind me in his office typing some paper and looking at goofy video's online or something.
I'm not sure how to handle a lot of this anymore. All I know is I'm sick of Ian having to call me and tell me if something might be said to me and why; just because immature, stupid ass hoe bags have to try to contact me anyway possible and try to get me pissed. Sometimes I really wish I was on some type of medication, so I could just chill the hell out and say forget about it. When I get this mad I'm so depressed but so pumped at the same time and I feel like hurting someone but then I feel horrible for even thinking like that. Then my stomach starts to hurt, just because anything dealing with extreme emotions causes me to have an upset stomach. I feel weak but strong as a fucking oxen when shit like this happens. I don't know what to do sometimes. Ian has never seen me go crazy; not like I've HALF seen him go nuts. I have a feeling he'd be 100% shocked if he saw what I could really do or how I can really act when I ACTUALLY get furious.

It's like, take how loud he can yell and how pissed he gets at video games and X's that by the WORLDS population and that's how PISSED I can get an ONE individual. NOW - there is more than ONE person involved in this shit at his work, so just . . . can you begin to fathom how pissed I can really get. Don't forget I am my mother's daughter and my father's child as well. A delicious recipe for DOOM ! No really, saying doom makes it sound like I'm kidding around but I'm not. Disaster is one thing, doom is another. Follow me here?

Anyways I need to try to keep calm and not even think about this...if I can. I mean, come on I have a shitty car as it is and now someone goes and keys up the side. EVEN SHITTIER. It couldn't be like a couple words or a sentence of shit talking. It couldn't be one straight line; it's like a mentally challenged cromagnum cranium or big bird or tire ironed brain drove by and thought they were being silly and funny. Like a kid who can't color in the lines. I wouldn't of been as pissed if it were something simple (like them) but gosh - really. Like, what is my dad going to say?! He wants to plan on coming up here the second week of October . . .you know he'll stop in Ian's work and say something to his management about tying down dirty ass people and making them do their job or he'll call someone above them. I'm done talking about this, I need 11 more ciggy bums to cool me off.

I love Ian Smith.

♥ Brittany Wolfe-Smith.

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 15:53:52 GMT

Excited about a big step; but also scared.
I just have the feeling that this isn't going to be good for Ian and I. Maybe my problem is just that I'm thinking too negative? I mean, I'm going to miss my father and I was doing well trying to get things together just for myself. I've needed to learn how to be independent for the longest time now. Just as I was doing it this offer appears on the table. I love Ian and I think being close would really help with the trust issue; I just think the time together will start to show each other MORE of who we really are. With the things I've gone through not being around him like I will be, what if I start to see more of it and it's constant. I don't want this to drive us apart. I know I'll do things he can't stand, I'm a weird person but so is he. Maybe I shouldn't be scared; maybe I'm just dreading it because it's a big move to live with someone that you REALLY love. I've lived with an ex before and it was like, I was just there to get away from my parents and my whole situation at that time. Now, it's like I'm doing it because I want to grow with someone. It's really scary to me, it may sound stupid it but it's probably only because I'm a sincere person and I truly feel that I'm in love. I just hope Ian is in the same boat and wants to get something positive out of this.
I want things to change only in the way that we make decisions that respect each other now; now that we're seriously become more of a couple. I don't make any choices that I don't think about how it would effect Ian, I just want the same. Everything else can stay the same. The silliness, the seriousness, the manic moods, the laughing, video games, late nights, whatever. I want him to be him just to use his mind as he's a part of someone's life now. I don't want to change who he is and I don't want to change who I am. I want to really do this to see who we truly are and if we can make it, being our real selves. Make sense? Probably not. I'm crazy.

Things are good; things are bad. Maybe I just have to keep thinking positive if it's what I really want out of life.
I can never follow my own advice.

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:26:08 GMT

JOB!

It seems when I really commit myself to try to do better; in the name of the Lord, things start to look up a tiny bit.
Everyday will not be easy
but I'm willing to give it everything I can♥

iNo ♥ Beezerz

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:20:44 GMT

There is no where else I'd rather be
than with Ian.

This whole arrangement sucks so bad.

I'm so in love

I wish I could keep myself composed like he does. All I do is pace around the house; breathing heavy. Praying that the Lord will help me be strong.

I can hardly keep up with my mind now;
I feel like I'm going mad.

I start looking at pictures of us and I cry. I fall to the ground balling. Talking about: I will always love you.
You're so amazing. You're so precious and perfect. Everything about you - I want no one else. I want you forever and ever. All I can really pray about lately is that he's safe and to help me keep my head on straight. Just for strength. I feel bad asking for anything else than what I really need. If I could have strength, I at least know my faith would be strong and my will to try to relax for my health would be stronger.

That's all I need. Strength to keep trying and trying no matter what to get a job.

I'm so in love. I feel like a freakin' kid. His smell - I can't get it out of my mind. I want it around me so bad. I want to lay into it. I want his love so bad. His touch. I want to hear his laugh. I want SO much with him and it's driving me mad.

I've never felt like this with someone. It's going on five months; and I couldn't be more thankful to have him in my life.

We're going to last ♥

I want him always. I hope he realized just how much I've always felt for him; no matter the fights. Things are better -

Black Stacie

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 20:53:51 GMT

Today was really helpful.

I'm sorry but I'm going back to who I really am;
back to the old me. Just now - I'll be more mature about things.
I can't NOT act like who I am.

This is who I am:

I look young

I can't dress in real girly clothes because they just don't look right on me.
High heels will never be me.
Maybe for those few special nights out on the town in a little black dress with my fiance' or husband or whatever.
It's really not me.
I am a hard worker.
I want to save my money and become more responsible.
I wear black; all the time. There HAS to be something black on me; even if it's shoes or polish for my nails.
I love beanies, even in the summer. I love being a hard ass. I love it. I grew up a tomboy, I still am. I hope iNo understands that I'm no girly girl. If I feel like getting muddy, I'll mud it up. If I feel like NOT doing something, I'll lay on my awesome ass (that no woman can compare to) and I'll laugh it up watching some nerdy fucking cartoons.
I curse.
Get over it.
I can talk to people and socialize withOUT being a bitch; but any other time - I'll say what I what when I want. NOW that doesn't mean I'm going to fight with iNo just because I want to. I'm just saying this is how I am but I'm going to try to be more mature about WHAT I say WHEN I say it.

I love God and I laugh now at what demons or spirits were trying to do to me. I want a clean house; I'm going to have one. It's hilarious that you'll be stuck in that same situation for all of eternity, being a piece of shit trying to pick on people who are trying to get to God. Piece of shit, plain and simple.

I am satisfied.
With me
I just need someone to be satisfied with me as well. Someone to understand me and my mind.
I am crazy these days. Stacie will not help that but she will help me to learn when to STFU and when to act like an adult and how to.

I love iNo. Things have been horrible, bad, great, fantastic, good, okay, and magnificent. It's been a roller coaster, but this is the last chance for honesty and realness - if I don't see it (while I'm giving my 100%) then it's over. If I've been being a bitch and he messes up then there will be more chances; because I can not push one away for mistakes if I am also to blame. Porn, flirting, touching, all those promises STILL will face consequences IF promises are broken BUT if I flip about something small and he's trying to explain something to me - I can not say I will leave or threaten to walk out - I can not be guilty for something and judge him to the fullest and not myself.

DO WORK!

And stupid bitches who touch my man AT WORK; I'll kick your mother fucking face in. Plain and simple!! YOU DO NOT TOUCH OTHER PPLS MEN - stupid bitches. X_X AH!

Wed, 20 May 2009 18:12:10 GMT

I hope that Lizzard had a great birthday yesterday!
Wish I could of gotten her something awesome♥

Really bored today; too excited about this weekend. I don't think I'm going to be content until then. Everything is not going to be as cool as where I get to be this weekend so everything just sucks. Only one more day though - so at least I can't complain too much.

Great! Give me a change to blast my caves; KAAABOOM!!!

Mon, 18 May 2009 16:33:48 GMT

Man, I haven't been on this thing in a long while.

Things between iNo and I are still amazing. We've had some rough patches but everyone does, you know?

I still love him more and more each day and I'm very happy that we got through all of the petty shit we were going through.

Sometimes you just have to get over it; if you really want things to work out. I truly love iNo - I can honestly tell when I look at him. I see him, in my future. I see us getting married some day. Sometimes when I kiss him and pull away, I just stare at him and smile because I can just feel something that I've never felt. I don't know if any of this would scare him if he read it but oh well. I'm just saying - I hope things stay the way they are, it's like Heaven on Earth for me. Anytime I am with him is a great time.

I really enjoyed going to the Humpback Bridge with him. The way I felt that day was indescribable. It was like the first day all over again. I couldn't be happier and I would never wish to be anywhere else. He's so beautiful and he's really the greatest boyfriend I've ever had. Through all the silly shit we've been through - he's the best thing to ever happen to me and I only pray that we last ♥

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 22:57:01 GMT

<3

i is still in love with iNo

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:53:44 GMT

You know, it's usually hard for one to admit they are wrong or that their significant other is right. iNo is right though. I've often thought that our problems are due to me finally finding Christ. Not in the bad way, but in the sense that I just found him. I want to have a stronger faith than I have now, but I am new to this all over again. You have had more time to read and work harder at your problems than I have and you also are more mature than me due to age :) I love you baby and I only want to grow with you thru Christ and our love for everyone. I have the same mindset as you, it's just harder for me because I'm new at ALL of this that's happening with me. You're right and I'm not afraid to admit it. You're the greatest and the smartest :)...and craziest and goofiest and most awesomest person EVER

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 03:55:32 GMT

you know 100% that Ian would never intentionally hurt you.
You know he loves you.
Look at his family.
remember how you felt around ALL of them.
even tho hectic and annoying
you could still relate and have fun with more than 80% of them.
even tho annoying.
They showed you more love than ur mother and step father your whole life.
think about the stories Mr. Smith told.
All the laughs
smiles
and genuine people around you.
they are good people.
it's all real love.
You want this so much.
No matter how you over react or think something is horrible
just because your past.
IAN SMITH LOVES YOU:D
You ARE happy;
don't tare this apart
just because you THINK it will end that way.
forget your past.
this is now and this is real♥
You're in love.
You really are.
The way you watched Mr. Smith tell his stories tonight; sitting close to him
You felt as if you were sitting by your own father.
That's how right it felt.
You realized it
had to leave to take a breath
you know you belong here; now
Stop thinking the worst of EVERYTHING.
you're just scared because you know this is real ;]

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:36:57 GMT

Man, since my car stereo and interior light fuse is busted(getting a new one today)
I have no music, but it's hilarious.
I keep talking to myself and making up these retarded songs or making horrible noises.
I have long conversations with God and I don't know, it's just great. I love being goofy. I always laugh out loud and people driving by are like 0_0 ftw!?
It's awesome. I keep laughing because I feel like Ian, when he's in the shower; goof ball♥

Ah! I think I'm like, literally turning into his other half. It's crazy!

Or maybe I have always been like this, but he's just bringing out my crazy side :p I'm really glad I can be goofy around him/be myself. It's such a relief and it feels so good that I can trust someone like this. I keep thinking about getting a place with him ♥ Oooo ^_^; I am in a great mood today! More later; after I talk to KFC at 2:00pm

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 00:15:00 GMT

Ah! That's what I forgot; the pictures Angie printed out for me!
I guess I'll get them next time I go up.

On the way home my radio stopped working; I'm going to have to ask dad to see if it's just due to a fuse in my car. I was so nervous the whole ride home, but my car ran fine. It was actually a great job. I still enjoy the ride there and back. It never phases me; really. It doesn't seem that long of a drive to me, probably because I always have so many memories to reflect on, and things to think about :D

♥
My face has been doing SO much better; I'm very excited about that. The area around my mouth is still usually pretty dry or broken out. Of course it's due to me always touching my face. Dad said when he was my age and he got nervous he'd always put his hands around the same area.

It's just a nervous habit I guess.

I have been smoking a lot more lately. I don't know if it's because of iNo and I'm just comfortable or if it's because I stopped for a long time and now I'm like, literally addicted to nicotine lol. I mean, I'd stop with no problem (I always can) it's just, now when I do smoke, it's just to pass some time or to do it, because I can and I love to/and enjoy thinking about iNo.

It's insane how intensely I feel for this guy; it's been a full month since we've been together but it really feels like a year to me. It's crazy, all of it but I'm so in love and I'd never ever want anyone else. The way he looks at me and the way I know he cares for me, I'd be a fool to ever let him go. No matter any spat we get in, it's ONLY that. Nothing more, it's never anything serious, nothing like the horrible fights I'd get in with my ex. It's amazing, I mean we do get our feelings hurt, because I guess we're just scared to lose each other, but it will never happen; I know I'll never let him go. He's just too perfect for me; I love every inch of him and I enjoy every moment I spend with him or thinking about him. I never want to be anywhere else and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. we have to say good bye, it breaks my heart but I know that it will only make me miss him so much more, and when I see him again; it will always be like the first time.

No one could ever compare to him and no one could ever make me melt, like he does when I see him walking towards me. He's so gorgeous ♥

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 01:46:59 GMT

98% chance I will get hired at KFC!
Word!
I'll be around chicken heads all day and old people who crave gravy that makes you have to SHIT like no other :D
Yay!
Hahahah!

Thanks Ian for doing what you did, for me ♥
You're the greatest ever and I'm sorry I'm so hard headed, but you should know by now that we both are. It's not like I'll ever give up on you; you're the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Sometimes I just need reassurance; thanks for giving it. I love you with all of my heart and soul and I can't wait to see you again. You are my world, always.

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 02:29:01 GMT

On the way home from the tattoo shop it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had the urge to go home and open the bible. I had this feeling God needed to tell me something. I went upstairs and got the old Bible that Myk had on the FLOOR under his bed. I brushed it off and sat for a second. I prayed and I asked for the Lord to speak to me. I took the book marker out from years ago and I gently played with the pages. I didn't want to stummble upon some verse that was saved for such a long time with the book mark, that it wasn't the one I needed.

How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of they thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman. Thy navel is like a round goblet, which waneth not ligour; they belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lillies. They two breasts are like two young roes that are twins. They neck is as a tower of ivory; thine eyes like the fishpools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bath-rabbim; they nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus. Thine head upon thee is like Carmel, and the hair of thine head like purple; the kind is held in the galleries. How fair and how pleasant art thou. O love, for delights. This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and they breasts to clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of boughs thereof; now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples; and the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak. I am my beloved's, and his desire is towards me. Come, my belove, let us go forth into the field; let us lodge in the villages. Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine flouish, wheter the tener grape appear, and the pomegranates bud forth; there will I give thee my loves. The mandrakes give a smell, and at our gates are all manner of pleasant fruits, new and old, which I have laid up for thee, O my beloved.

- Song of Solomon
Chapter 7 Vrs. 1-13

I don't know what it means but when I was thinking "I wonder if Ian really still feels for me like I do him." It hit me out of no where to go home and speak to God and to open the Bible. I haven't opened the Bible in over three years. I've never hear of the Song of Solomon. I honesty don't know what this verse means but if it's to let me know how Ian feels and not to doubt him then so be it. If it means anything else I will find out soon after asking/researching.

I cried when I read it; I don't know why. I love Ian and I don't doubt him ever but I guess I just get scared sometime that he'll just get hit with this wave of "Is she really worth it." I try so hard to let the Lord take care of it, his plan is his own.

I'm so stupid; to think that this verse is about Ian. I'm just so worried sometimes but it really helped me. I really love Ian, and I care so much about him. I think so highly of him and I want nothing more than to help him grow and to be with him.

Most amazing day/Crazy Night <3

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 04:21:31 GMT

I think it's sad that I can't even trust my own family. It always seems like they have hidden agenda's. I tried really hard to get along well with mom and Scott, while I lived in Pittsburgh. I just wanted to party when I didn't have to work. It's not as if I brought trouble to the house. I don't get it. I mean, David did the same thing I did but he didn't even have a car. I had to drive him around all the time. I wonder why they decided to help him out more than they did me?

Fuck family that brings you down.
I thought I was blood.

Obviously that doesn't mean anything anymore either. Nothing does; this world is going to shit.
Well I guess really it's just how you make it.
I just assumed family was supposed to help you through it all. I guess I was fucking wrong.

Anyways, so it's cool to sit back and think about if you can remember being born or not. It jogs so many memories that you thought you'd forgot about or that you never even recalled until that moment!

It's cool. I looked back and thought about why an infant cries as soon as it's born. I mean, yeah the doctor makes it cry to see if it's alive and healthy. Although, think about it. You are something completely new to this world. You already have the brain to show emotions! You can produce tears, from your eyes. The reason you're probably crying is because you were alive in the womb and had help breathing. You get out into the world and it's air and you're using your tiny new paper thin lungs to take in as much air as you can. You don't know what it is, but you need it, so you keep gasping!

Yeah I thought about a lot of cool shit.
HaHaha.
I played some Call of Duty 4 tonight; again. No one interesting was on. I'm getting sick of this life style. I want someone to share it with at least.

It kind of really blows that I don't have any friends to chill with. Literally, people post shit on Myspace about having no friends. Meanwhile they do, they themselves are just horrible friends and don't know what the fuck their doing with their lives. Fake ass stupid people. Anyways, but yeah when I say I have no friends. I have no friends; besides hanging with Amanda who used to be my best friend. I haven't hung out with more than two people. One being Chance and the other being Ian. That's two new "friends" but I don't talk to Chance at all. I stopped hanging out with Amanda's crazy ass about four months ago.

I've never!

I keep having the most vivid crazy dreams every night. Everyone that I have comes true or someone that was in it will contact me the next day. It's weird; and I have never had a dream in color. Is it a fact that people can't dream in color? I don't know, maybe some people do but, I know I have been this past week. It's really crazy; I wonder why I am though?
It's weird also that I have never written this much like constantly for a week straight. It's been so long since I've been in the mood to write.

Man Myspace makes me sick; I think the only reason I keep it is to do shitty HTML when I get bored with making actual web pages. Haha. Seriously though; Myspace is crazy! I think someone should blow up Tom's house and all of his networking and tech people. For seriously! I think anyone who is trying to be an internet celeb deserves to be on a gay reality t.v show, for all of America to laugh at (who actually have half of a brain). Preferably a reality show on VH1, seeing as how they have the gayest shows in the universe. People just get sucked into that shit and I think it's ridiculous! I will not have a friend that watches that shit; so if I know you and you watch it. Bye!

*There are a few small exceptions.
You can watch it if you're totally shit faced and you have some friends over and you want something to laugh at.

Also you may watch it when you're blazed out of your mind, because you're completely bored and you feel like laughing at something because you're in a great mood.

That's it though.
Man I hate gay people.

I mean I've had friends that are gay.
Nothing against them.
I'm saying gay as in just insanely moronic stupid people who follow trend just to have something to hold on to.

I'm very hungry right now; I'm thinking noodles with spices and butter and some garlic toast lol. I'm high, so I got to make something simple!

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:52:25 GMT

I've decided to post some of my favorite pictures that I've taken over the years. When I was truly in love one time; he inspired me to do what I love the most. I wrote constantly, I drew constantly, and I took pictures of the sky constantly. Yeah, taking picture of the sky is easy and pretty cliche but it's something that means a lot to me. I am thankful for waking up every day and being able to see such a great plain stretched out above me. It helps me wonder and imagine and he helps me respect and love my world. I wish I had a love that inspired me again.

June 2006

June 2006

My baby oranges!

Some random truck stop.

Outside my window during winter '05

Same place, next day.

The next picture are all from Roanoke♥

A slice of orange.

6:15 sunrise. Me in between the trees.

Down grandma Wolfe's road.

Mitzi's back yard.

Cold winter day.

The sun is coming.

Slight rainbow (in Pittsburgh)

Sunrise(Pittsburgh)

Pictures of things at my aunt Kelly's mansion in Aylette, Virginia.

Tractor wheel.(1,000 acers s of land)

Old slave quarters.

Some of the land.

Red Dog♥

Bear.

Little J.J.

The mansion coming up the drive way.

Coming out of her boxwood path.

Walking through it.

Land - out of the boxwoods.

So much land♥

At grandma Steorts; I love how these are on her land.

Grandma Wolfe's in Roanoke, Va.

Dark night.

The "orange slice."

Birdhouse? Single star.

Behind Mitzi's house.

Shining clouds.

I love clouds that remind me of the ocean♥

Behind grandma Wolfe's house.

A fire in the sky.(Pittsburgh, Pa.)

A lot of pictures but they all bring me back to the real feeling of love.

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 08:26:57 GMT

I love how people always write about wanting love and wanting to find love and then they end up falling for someone that they never expected to come around. They think they've found something great just because they can finally say they're in a relationship. Fuck that. Fuck not really being happy and only saying that you are; because you found SOME relationship. No. I want to find someone who fits exactly what I want and nothing else anymore. I'm not going out and looking for you anymore. He has to come to me. He has to come around to me. I've looked so hard and everything I've always had, is something I just settled for. In my past entries there was one that I stated what I want in someone. I don't think I'll ever find anyone even CLOSE to it. I want honesty so bad. So fucking bad. I want to find someone where you just CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T stand to be away from them and they're not scared to show it in front of their guy friends. I want to be cool with his friends. I want him to remind me of someone great and I want him to be someone who leaves me awestruck. Like my father. Every time I ever speak to my father or spend just a moment with him; I'm suddenly happy and in a better place in my life. Things could be falling apart or my world could be falling around me, but if I see my father; life could turn completely around for me.

I guess I'm just looking for my real love. My one person that I can be with forever. I'm ready to just settle down and give someone my absolute everything. I want someone who understands the shitty places I've been in my life. Someone I can share deep thoughts with. Someone I can stay up late at night with and chat about the craziest shit. Someone I can go party with and still feel loved and like his one and only. I don't want to ever feel like I have to compare with other people. I want someone true. I want someone so bad. I want to go searching again but my mind won't let me. My heart wants loves so bad and it's made poor choices because of it's strength. I've finally learned how to think with my mind and it's been working very well. I'm finally tired of being alone but I guess I'm not going to go looking.

Come fine me.

Someone prove to me that it can really be better than what I've been dealt in the past.

Fyi
I respect my Earth
but not the mother fuckers who disrespect it.

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 04:31:58 GMT

I want to believe in God. I mean, I know there is something greater out there. Something so amazing that I think any man who caught a glimpse would drop to his feet and cry or have a complete melt down accompanied by a heart attack. We can not fathom what else is out there other than what we think we've discovered. The universe is expanding and is infinite beyond anything else. I believe in UFO's and a great being. It would be ridiculous not to as well as selfish. Our technology has reached an all time high, it's more than we can understand at this point. We're able to guesstimate when our time will be up on this planet. I'm pretty sure that if we found out it would drive us all crazy and we'd continue to try to out smart God's plan. Nothing good can come out of anything we do anymore. I'm scared but I'm not going to stop living. I'm poor and jobless. I don't know what I want out of life. I know who I want to be and where I want to be but I can't get there. I'm such a compassionate person that I honestly think it's going to take love to save me. I think it's crazy that I say that, but I know that's my saving grace. I'm obsessed with love; it's always in my mind along with music and fears.

I miss my child hood and my high school life. I wish I could get back the innocence I once had and the one friend that would make it all worth living. I wish we could all live like the Mayan's or Indian's. I wish there was no super technology. I'd love to live off the land and love everyone in my village. I don't know, it sounds crazy and sometimes I feel crazy. I just wish the world could learn from it's mistakes. I know that I often repeat mine and I try to learn but I'm not corrupting youth or slowing killing humans. I'm not polluting the Ozone or trying to make money off of some cheap scheme. I'd never kill a man or devise a way to place him into debt. I'd never tempt someone to do something they shouldn't be doing. I'm not evil, but the way the world tells us is right, makes me feel like I'm the worst, ugliest, fattest person alive.

I don't want any of this to exists. Humans shouldn't feel better or richer than anyone else. I wish we knew that we're all one and if one thing dies out, everything will slowly follow. If the krill in the ocean were to die out our ecosystem would follow and the world would be placed in chaos. We're already losing species that we never even knew we had. We've killed off some of the most beautiful creatures for the sake of fashion and wealth. I don't see why everyone can't see that we're all equal. Everyone of us all the way down to the plankton in the sea.

If we have an abundance of something, I'm pretty sure sharing would help so much more than you could know. Why won't we fix things!? We're all dying, why won't we fix the problems. We did them to ourselves, we can pull ourselves out. We could fix starvation, we could have peace, we could have anything we wanted if there was no money or greed. If there were no banks and secret branches of the government. We could have happiness, everyone of us if we just had health, land, knowledge, family, friends, and love.

God, I want to just say I believe in you. Everything comes back to you. I don't think we would know endless love if it weren't for you. I often think how I wish I could read the Bible. I want to all the time but I can't convince myself to. I want someone to support me and believe with me. I just can't do it alone yet I feel ashamed I can't do it by myself. I've always been a catalyst to people I've dated. I used to go to church youth group every week when I was in high school and church on the weekends with my family. It was always a great place to be, you always felt safe and in some great protective bubble; until you walked out into the real world and had to face every day problems. That was the thing; practicing what you preach _ True.

The boyfriends that I had I would take to youth group with me. It would help me enjoy it a little more. Although wrong and looked down upon by everyone, a lot of girls and guys did it. As a result we had one of the greatest and most active churches in Pittsburgh, Pa. So, I don't see why it would be a bad thing. Granted, in high school everyone's hormones ran wild, so I guess I see the bad (the sexual drive and sinners thoughts of just getting the hell out of there and making out with someone). I'm guilty to it, I wouldn't lie.

But, Matt Lemieux I took for about a year and he ended up cleaning up his act almost full 360'. He went into the Army and got married. He had joined another church soon after our break up sometime in 10th grade. Then there was Rick Sheets (heart throb) I took him often too :) He had a lot of friends from high school he knew that went there so I think it made him feel a little more comfortable. He soon became really close with some people there and I somewhat feel it kind of nudged him a little to clean up. He looks great, he's doing great with his many talents and I'm really happy for him. He always said thanks for taking him, that he misses going to those types of things.

I don't know, I wish things could just be easy; they could be if everyone came together on the topic. A time is coming soon, for this world to end. We've had out time and I love to look back on it and I pray to get back to where I used to be. I don't want to be a part of the world that never "got it."

The Beggining.

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 10:09:37 GMT

Ever since I could remember I've been a liar. I'm always coning my way out of things or just running away and giving people made up, yet amazing reasons to why I've left their lives. I wonder if it's my fault that I'm like this. I want to blame it on my parents; if I wasn't brought up this way then where did it come from? I never had that many friends in school or as a child, so it's not like it rubbed off on me from anyone else. I know for a fact both my mother and my father (divorced of twenty years) have lied to me on numerous occasions about things that didn't need to be lied about. I describe my mother as a con artist as well. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death. She's blood and she gave birth to my (still) fat ass. Since her and my stepfather Scott's marriage, I've received nothing but mixed signals. She was always so fucking gnarly when he wasn't around but the moment he got home, it was like she was a totally different person. I hated it, especially while living in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. We were a really big part of HZUMC. Scott, being a youth leader and having his prayer group at the house every week. I was always going to youth group myself, for the wrong reasons but I was there nonetheless. We'd also go to the actual church service on Saturday nights. Yeah, what a great way of spending a Saturday night. Anyways, being so involved with the church you think my home life would be pretty tidy. Dude, I was always in trouble. I pretty much stayed grounded the entire school year; every year. Mom and I would get into arguments about my lying habits. I really only lied about my grades or doing my homework, but still I lied. I lied every damn time they asked about homework or projects. It seemed that the physical abuse part of things would only come up because of my lying. That still wasn't enough for me to stop. It's not like I was beaten all the time, every day, or even once a month. When the fighting started though, it was horrible. I really only cared that Ben and Sam could hear the way Scott would yell at me. Mom and Scott were always up my ass about school. I know I slacked off a lot but I always knew when I had to pick it up and run. I mean, whatever I want I know I can get it, I just have to try.

I mean fuck! My whole high school experience sucked so much. I never went to a party. The only shindigs I ever went to were my own birthday parties. They were never really that great either. I never had a true friend until I met Leeann Hutchison (church) and Karissa Samuels (school). Leeann of course has always been there for me and has never let me down. We have a strong ground on which our friendship was built. Her family has always been there for me too; I love Mama Hutchison. As for Karissa, I love her and I will never forget her. She might of led a different life style than me and done some wild things but God, she was a teenager. I never judged her for it and she never pressured me into ANYTHING. Like I said, I had never been to a party until two years after I graduated high school. When I say party I mean like tons of beer, crazy people, music, games, and drugs. So, Karissa showed me what it was like to have a friend that you were so close with you could fall in love. When I say that, I don't mean it homosexually. I mean it like, I was in love with her. I would of done anything for her; I would give my life to switch places with her, so she could be with her family again. When she passed away in '06 my life came to a halt. I mean, the things I buy and the way I act sometimes is still influenced by her, and she's gone. She's been gone and I can easily say it - She's gone. She's simply gone forever. but just because I say it doesn't mean I'm mentally over the fact that she's fucking gone! I mean, it's been two years and I still have vivid dreams of us in school. Her walking through the door to walk around the Intermediate High School with me and Rachel and Maddi. Maddi had also passed away with Karissa; same crash. I didn't know the two of them as well as I did Karissa. God, Karissa was beautiful. Her style, her smile, her dances, her voice, her laugh, the way she smoked "ciggy bums", her hair, everything. To me Karissa was always an angel. God, you may think this sounds ridiculously gay but it's not. Kari was it for me, she was my role model and someone I admired for giving me a chance and believing me 100%. She stuck up for me and she made sure whatever we did we were both happy with. She helped me stand up for myself and to rebel against my parents for not letting me be who I really wanted to be. Maybe that's why my parents really didn't like her. Of course they'd always make fun of her eye make up or have some stupid remark about her style or the way she wore her hair. I never gave a shit! I loved her and I loved myself for once; when I was around her. I bet my parents still think I did drugs with her or snuck out at night with her to party. I never did at all. Karissa knew how they were and how much trouble I'd be in. She knew the pain they caused me during the school year. She knew how much weight I had on my sholders and she never wanted to put more on me. If it weren't for Karissa, I wouldn't be the half decent person I am today. In high school you're supposed to learn a lot and have so many fun experiences. Besides marching band, I really had none. I didn't go to parties, like you know and I didn't drink or do drugs. I didn't sneak out or sleep over at boys houses. I wasn't a bad kid, except the lying over and over again. I feel like I'm fucked, half the time. These ways are engraved into my DNA and I'm not quite sure I'll ever shake them. Karissa dying has changed a lot for me. I'm in a totally different place than I had planned to be. I probably wouldn't be in the world of hurt I am in now if she was still here. Not that her being gone puts me in pain. She's in a far better place, but if she was still here we'd probably be living together. We planned that, you know? I knew I couldn't follow the house rules in Pittsburgh anymore so the summer of '06 my parents told me to move back in with my father, Raymond Wolfe. I did and I started attending college for computers and art, I also had a full time job. My plan was to finish a semester, save up some money and move back to the city of Pittsburgh with Karissa. I talked to her one good time before the accident happened. I should of talked to her more, I should of been a better friend. I mean I don't know, I had so much on my plate but I still feel guilty for not being closer with her before she passed. We weren't bad kids; not in the least bit. I wouldn't have any memories to look back on if it weren't for her. Church retreats and events don't count to me because church was something I was forced to do. When I would go to church, I'd make sure my boyfriend was there. Isn't that awesome!? I mean, not only was it a sin to be there for the wrong reason, but I also though about kissing and dry humping my boyfriend during service. Even if he couldn't make it to youth group or service, I'd most regularly be day dreaming about that. I don't know what I believe in anymore. I'm only scared to say that because of what people say about you when you don't cling to a religion. To me it's like we children pray to something that we can't see. We're constantly begging and crying out loud on our knees & frankly being denied everything we need. Not necessarily things we want but things we need. People starve all over the world. There is disease among all of us and war is outside our door. We give money to the church and I never see anything come out of it. The people that I've met in my life that claim to be Christian's are the biggest hypocrites I've ever met. Hell, I know I'm one and I'd never deny it. I'm also not telling people to go find Christ, then hitting my kids before church group. Religion is something I don't find myself diving into anytime soon. I'd like to believe but frankly I have too many problems to even think I myself will ever be fixed. Why should I donate to the Lord and pray for other people when I'm not getting any help myself. I want to believe in something but I don't know what yet. Our country was founded upon supposed Christianity and if it's all so real and it's so solid, why is our country's government so royally fucked?! Why is there nothing we can do to help save anything or anyone? Why is the bank so corrupt? Why does the media feed us lies? Why is their pointless war? Why is everyone a hypocrite when frankly it's a sin and our land was founded upon something that's supposed to be so sturdy. Religion is nothing; I'm sorry. Maybe someday I'll change my opinion, maybe I'll have another supposed revelation and things will change. Everything changes, it all changes too much and too fast. Nothing stays around for long, so why should I conform to any idea that the government or anyone may cook up? I would go into how I view the government but honestly, if you think that our government is working then please, stop reading my shit. I would love to talk about how we get raped everyday by people that are somehow above us. It's crazy to think that someone just like you - Skin, bone, hair, and nail; all the same can actually have so much power over you. You're the same thing, you're human and breathing the same air they are and just because they have a title beside their name, they can come into your house and arrest you under false conditions because they "think" you're a terrorist. Someone just like you; look in the mirror, can control you. I don't even have control over myself and another human can pull shit from their ass and lay it in front of a judge and the next thing you know, you're in jail. Titles mean nothing to me; no one outside of family and friends means anything to me. I view my world as how I wish to see it. I don't think about other continents and their people. I don't think about the people outside a five mile radius. All I see is me and the ones I love. I'm in some sort of bubble. Don't get me wrong, I fucking know how big the world is. I know about galaxies and universes apart. I know about other life forms and beings on other plants. I know about shit and I know whatever I want to know. I just don't give a flying fuck about anything but me. Be is selfish and be it ignorant but I don't care!! My father, Raymond once told me when I was young: Take care of yourself first Brittany. You need to be happy other wise, how can you ever make anyone else happy? Don't worry about what other people think about what you're doing. If you worry about everyone else and making them happy or like you, you're going to go crazy. It's you, Brittany. He may of meant it in so many words, but all my life I've tried to live by that. I may of put my own spin on it, but hell! It's my life and I'll look at it the way I wish and I'll do whatever the hell I want. I don't want to get in the governments way. It's not like I'm going to go out and strike outside the Whitehouse or stand in front of some damn Army tanks with gay ass flowers. I just want to believe what I believe and live how I want without people stepping into my shit! It's called "mine", for a reason. You know, most of this no one will ever know about me. Either that or I was too scared to disappoint them; like my father. He's such a big Christian and I'd never look down on him for it or give him hell about it. He is very wise when it comes to what he believes in, so I say more power to him. It makes him happy! I remember as a young/er girl he'd come to tuck me in at night. We'd sit up for an hour after my bedtime just talking about things from the bible. It intrigued me. I don't know if it was because how he described it, was so amazing and he just knew in his heart how he felt about it was real or if I was just so insanely surprised that something that amazing could be real. We'd talk about angels and the end of the world. I'd frequently ask about the Bible, where the end of the world was described. It's odd how I was so into the complete polar opposites of things: Angels and the end of all man kind. There is no grey in my world, and I see now that there has never been. It's either good or bad, black or white, hero's or villans...

and I think the villans are the good people.

I probably should of warned you in a prolouge or something, about how different this was going to be. How, this is all going to be true and it's all coming from the mind of a female who can't spell or form setences that are gramatically correct. I don't read the prolouge to anything, I hardly even read. It's funny, I've probably read about two books outside of school, my whole life. Graphic novels and comic books don't count, because of course they're fucking awesome! Who wouldn't read a comic book!? I don't know if it's crazy or stupid of me, but when I sit and think about life and the people in it trying to get by it reminds me of a comic book. It reminds me of the bases of a good story. A fight between good and bad, the black and white, the hero and the villan. Like I said, I believe the villans are actually the good people. Everyone is trying to get by in life; searching and growing. Life leaves you peices of the puzzle and it's up to us to find which ones we think we need and what we do with those pieces, depicts what we are. Villans start out as simple humans but they usually lead a hard life; starting out as a child. They probably are the ones that try harder at everything they do. Their parents were probably divorced, fighting, or not around them as much as the other kids' were. So from a infant on, they were already born with much less than the above average, A + grabbing, brown nosing, corporate spawn they'd soon meet in life. It's like, everyone who had more than us became greedy and selfish. Mysterious and witty about everything they do because they already have everything; now they need to play mind games to have fun. The kids that had much less always seemed to be depressed and looking for anyway to catch up to the rich and talented. They lived in a darkness that no one could see because they had morals and standars and didn't want to bring anyone else down around them. They kept every emotion bottled inside just to keep from boring someone with their shitty life story. No one to really relate to, being beat at everything they do by the spawn, crying at night while the popular had their friends and football games. They tend to lose more loved ones than anyone, they lose money, go bankrupt, hold tightly to any love they get and usually lose it just for being so into them. I'm sure some people would understand where I'm getting with this; these helpless kids who were fucked out of the womb become our villans. The ladder become the corporate, thrill seeking, heros. I don't see why anyone likes the heros, they're so boring and predictable. Growning up with everything thing handed to them and their bank accounts already full, how much fun could a person like this be? They seem mysterious but they're really hiding nothing. Think about it, then look at a villan. They seem compelled, outgoing, mysterious, lonely yet alive, and they seem in pain. Looking middle class or lower somehow gives you that unique look. Maybe because to corporate swine, we just look pitiful and they only show interest in what we're going through to build up their ego's and make them feel better. They are concieted pricks and assholes, meanwhile the villans are treating every person they meet with kindness, in hopes that they can relate and find something together. A friend ship, a love, a life without being alone anymore. It's only when the heros assume and attack that the villans become crazy. We have a switch you know? We respect and love until we're put on edge; craddling on it from birth we can't seem to stand much more pushing. We want to live!! Not just get by or have shit handed to us. We want to be real and we want to be noticed and it's not always in a bad way. We think differently than others, not believing in religion or holding pride for our government. The government does nothing but lie to us and the media is in it too. All they do is take away from us but still want more than we have. I wonder what people like Stan Lee or Alan Moore went through to create characters that depict such truthfulness in a real life. I wonder if they are villans or heros or if they even would care to place themselves in a certain catagory. Villans seem to go against the government and have completely different views than the corporate heros and it's wrong some how. I don't understand how having a different opion on your own life can be looked down upon. Just for being different the spawn already put us in a different catagory than them. We're lower and dangerous because they're jelaous and afraid. They know that people who want more out of life are more powerful. I wonder why they do what they do to us then? All I know is that I have no alterier motives, I'm open and honest. I'm out there and open minded so I have nothing to hide. Villans usually don't give a shit what others think and they have strong enough hearts to just be who they really want to be

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 22:37:00 GMT

Here is the nerd in me. I bought a new Watchmen graphic novel a couple of days ago. I leave it on my bed and when I come up to go to sleep my brother David is laying on the floor reading something. It's my novel. He didn't ask, AND!!! he has the front of the cover bent all the way back and the corner of it all bent up! I don't think I've been so pissed at him before; honestly. Like, I got it back and I laid tons of books on top of it to smooth it out. I got the cover flat, but that one little corner has that nasty wrinkled, "I've been bent backwards." look to it. It's bothering the hell out of me. I'm about to go get another new one! That's how mad I am about it. Anyways, I spent like thirty one dollars at the comic store the other day on some old iron man comics and it was totally worth it. I got a new poster; you know I might of already typed about this but who cares. I think every pay check I get I'm going to go there and get something. I'd like to start collecting again :)

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 02:24:04 GMT

Hanging with Andrew was pretty fun. I'm glad my car ended up starting, after we got back from South Side. It was probably more of his optimistic attitude that helped more than anything lol. My feet are killing me and I will be on them all day tomorrow at work. It was all totally worth it though! I really missed his smile and laugh; there was a lot of that actually. All in all it was a great day. Hopefully more hang outs soon :)

Just breathe Brittany.
Just breathe.